KLEINCHIK INVITATIONAL 2006
For those of you who are new to the Kleinchik Invitational the rules are as follows:
- We will periodically post a picture and we will ask you to describe what is in the picture or come up with a new word describing some thing or act.
- Normally we will include an example.
- You may submit as many entries as you want.
- The King and Queen will judge which of the entries is the funniest.
- The King and Queen like scatological, sixth grade humor.
- Any entry and/or email about the contest can be used at the discretion of the King and Queen.
NOTE: Last year there were many people who entered and complained when their entry was not selected as the winner. Remember, this is a very subjective contest and is judged solely on the taste (or lack of taste) of the King and Queen. Also note that some underage individuals may be reading this website so the King and Queen sometimes need to be careful with the responses they publish.
Contest Number 2006 - 1: The Modern Art Museum
Contest closes: March 19th
The King and Queen have visited all the major museums in Rome so we are now on the second tier museums. Last week we went to the MACRO (the Museum of Modern Art of Rome). The picture below is what we saw as we entered the building. The house in the back actually talked as you approached it. We need a caption for the picture or a name for the truck or house.
Example 1: The Italian government has rejected the Polish truck designed to help relieve the shortage of parking places in Rome.
Example 2: Seinfeld rejected the puffy house for his show and opted instead for the puffy shirt idea.
RESULTS: CONTEST #2006 - 1
Before we get to the results the Kleinchiks would like everyone to know that we are very disappointed in the responses to the contest. We only received entries from two people. I am going to blame this on the following email I sent out to everyone:
For those of you who are wondering why they should put in effort to enter the Kleinchik Invitational Contest I would like to share with you part of an email we received from the Queen's cousin, Kim Dorfman. It was as follows:
However, I have been alerted to the fact that if my name is googled "kim dorfman" it comes up as a Kleinchik Invitational participant. Not only that, but my honorably mentioned entries refering to "tits" and "manly bosoms" are also included in the entries.
Who would google such a thing, you ask? My mentor in the MFA program, naturally.
What does this mean? It means that an entry in the contest will produce a google reference. For those of you who have done nothing with your lives - this is your chance to have a permanent record in cyberspace. It also means that you need to understand that whatever you write to me can be read by anyone - that includes certain employees of the present administration...
Could it be that everyone got scared and did not want to be associated with the contest. I hope not.
And now the results that were fantastic. We have two winners this time and both entrants will be receiving the coveted Kleinchik Invitational awards. In fact, we laughed at all of these entries and could not decide which one was the best.
Kathy Bolland (Kathy works at NIH and is a friend of the Queen. She was our most prolific entrant for the original contest and has continued with 7 entries - all very funny):
- Just because I said this is a No Parking area, you don't have to get all bent out of shape over it.
- Inspired by his trip to Torino, the little truck tried to perfect his double axle.
- While working at his computer, the designer received a message to "upload" and got a little confused.
- Next time, don't hire an acrobat and a marshmallow salesman to do the designs.
- This same designer made the Hyundai.
- The Rock & Roll Truck
- Truck with ParknBend's Disease
Stephanie Bates (A running friend who just started a new job and still had time to enter. So much for any thought that people who are working may not have time to think about the contest)
- While on paper it seemed like a good idea, the Slinky-Truck's sales figures never justified the amount of money spent on R&D for it.
- (Pretend you're hearing this through a mega-phone):
SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SEE ALL THE MONSTER TRUCKS!
INCLUUUUDING SLINKY-TRUCK! WATCH IT CLIMB DOWN
WALLS! IT NEVER FALLS! ITTT'SSSS SLINKY TRUCK! KIDS
CAN PLAY IN, AND ON, THE PUFFY HOUSE! ONE LOW, LOW,
LOW TICKET PRICE! ONNLYY SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!
Contest # 2006 - 2: The Salami
The King and Queen have visited many of the street markets in Rome. In one market we discovered a big salami that was sitting out on a table. We had seen one before in a shop window and just assumed it was for display. At this market we saw that customers were actually ordering slices from it. This contest is to come up with a name for this salami or a caption for the picture.
Example: The Queen has discovered that the same patent that grows hair also causes other things to grow.
Example: Now we just have to work on finding a source for big rye breads.
RESULTS: CONTEST #2006-2
As usual before the results there are a few comments.
Kathy Bolland, the most prolific of our contest participants wrote:
I have been checking your website and the latest contest has not appeared. Unfortunately, it is April 4 and the contest closed April 1.
The King and Queen are on their bicycles in the middle of nowhere. Often there is no Internet service so we may not be able to have the winners posted on the exact end day we specify in the contest. I can also tell after only 5 days of biking there will be days where I will not be able to do anything but crawl into bed and sleep even if I have Internet access. So submit entries for any contest and I will publish them.
Beverly Goldstein, my cousin, wrote:
If I am not too late, I am submitting a caption for the picture
To which the King replied….. “Are you kidding…. I am so hard up for results I will publish them whenever I get them.”
And the The Winner is:
Sandy Weiss (Wife of a running friend):
While in Rome the Queen was caught on camera, oogling yet another big Italian hunk
The Other Entries are:
Amanda Gustafson (The Queen's neice): Lets play Hide...... WHAT
Candy Gustafson (The Queen's sister): I don't think I want to play 'HIDE THE SALAMI' with that thing
Beverly Goldstein (The King's cousin): Marrone a Mia [sic], or "eat this and get SICK!"
Muriel Zohar (A friend from Israel): Is that a real salami or are you just glad to see me???
Chris Bourdeau (My partner's Nephew-in-law and the father of a new son who still had time to enter between baby feedings and changings):
The Queen ponders, "That would make one hell of a comfy seat for my bike, but would it stay fresh????
The Queen ponders "I'd love to show this to those SOB's when I get to Texas. Everything's big my ass!!!!"
Contest # 2006 - 3: The ???????
This next one is special because it is not a picture that I took but one that was sent to me. Some of you may have already seen it as it circulated on the Internet recently. So this contest is to either come up with a name for this contraption or a caption for the picture.
Example: The Japanese have decided to market this new device to be worn by women at both religious Muslim and orthodox Jewish marriage ceremonies where they need to keep their head covered but also may need tissues for tears.
Example: The DoodyHead
Results Contest #2006 - 3:
We did have a few new entrants for this contest and I want to thank the newbies. We had a number of returning entrants and I also want to thank them.
This will be the last Kleinchik Invitational for a while. The King has learned that it is too difficult to keep up both the journal for crazyguyonabike and the contest. I hope to continue it at some time in the future. And the winner is:
Kathy Bolland (A friend of Hynda's from NIH): Never thought I would have a Bounty on my head ..
The Other Entries:
Reggie Beard (A biking friend): A roll on a roll
Rozanne Kosson (A running friend): early precursor to the Wash-N-Dry
Note: Rozanne adds the following: For those too young to know what Wash-N-Dry is, it's basically that "towelette" that you use before giving a urine sample at the doctor's office. Or, it's like an individually wrapped Wet One).
Kathy Bolland (A friend of Hynda's from NIH):
"My 1st visit to an Indian reservation. They told me I would have a teepee overhead."
"My husband is so cruel. Told me if I stood up real straight, I could paint the ceiling."
The Crying Tao
Keep on rumbling.....
Brenda (A biking friend): “Ahhhh, springtime in D.C”????
Note: For those of you not familiar with the DC area in the spring there are normally very high pollen counts.
Contest #2006 - 4: We need a caption for this picture!!!!
We need a caption for this picture. Usual rules. Winners are listed below. Thanks for the entries...
I want to start off by thanking all those who sent in an entry. They were all good and the King and Queen laughed at all of them. As usual we had a hard time picking out one winner so we have come up with three. Each will be sent an award for their winning entry.
Hank Raines (Hank is a reader and biker with a number of journals on CGOAB who travels with his two dogs, Airwick and Agape, who sit in a basket on the back of his bike. We liked his entry because it shows that he read other parts of the journal.)
ELECTION NIGHT PARTY TURNS TRAGIC WHEN KINKY SUPPORTERS LEARN THEIR CANDIDATE ACTUALLY WINS.
Jenia Ciomek (Jenia is from Las Cruces, NM who was kind enough to let us stay in her house when we were biking through.)
HOW MANY ARMADILLOS DOES IT TAKE TO DRINK ONE BEER? ANSWER: FIVE, BUT THE HANGOVER KILLS THEM EVERY TIME.
Kathy Bolland (Kathy is a scientist at NIH in Bethesda, MD and is our best contributor. She often sends in multiple entries and they are all normally funny.)
THE MAD DASH SMASHED CRASH (SLOSHED PARTY ANIMALS MADE A MAD DASH FOR THE LAST CAN OF BEER -- AND KNOCKED EACH OTHER OUT.)
Peter Hui (Peter is a retired NASA scientist and a running friend. Peter ran two marathons last year for his two 75th birthdays - one for the American date and one for the Chinese date.)
THE SIGN IN FRONT OF THE CHINESE RESTAURANT SAYS:” YOU PICK THE ONE YOU WANT AND WE'LL COOK IT ANYWAY YOU WANT."
PECAN LADY PARTY PLATTER
Tom Roche (Tom is another of those many fans that we have picked up from this journal. His entry email to me also said: Finish? Isn't it The Kleinchiks Do the Southern Tier and Back Again? The answer is: No.)
ARMADILLO (DASYPUS NOVEMCINCTUS) - ARMORED INSECT-EATING MAMMALS KNOWN FOR BEING UNABLE TO HOLD THEIR LIQUOR.
Amanda Matalon (Amanda is the Queen's cousin who lives in Austin, TX and she sent in multiple entries. We stopped and had lunch with her and she is the one who told us about the bats under the bridge in Austin - one of our favorite memories.)
ONE BOTTLE OF BEER ON THE WALL. ONE BOTTLE OF BEER. TAKE ONE DOWN…
SO THIS IS HOW YOU PLAY OPOSSUM
THEY MUSTA GOT THE BAR BILL
Kathy Bolland (Here is Kathy again with her multiple entries. She told the Queen that she thinks up these entries as she commutes to work. She can obviously multi-task - drive and think at the same time. We met some people on this bike trip that cannot do this.)
THE ARMADILLER KILLER COCKTAIL
GUYS, KEEP PLAYING POSSUM OR THE KING & QUEEN WILL NEVER STOP DRINKING AND SNORTING.
YOU DO THE DRUNKEN HOKEY POKEY AND YOU TURN YOURSELF AROOOOOOUUUUUUUND ...... (PLOP)
SCHNAPPS TILL YOU DROPS ....
FROM A BEER TO A BIER
LITTLE SOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE
Bob Bloomfield (Bob is a Thursday night biking buddy back in Maryland. Armands is a pizza place we go to after the Thursday night bike rides so this is a local joke. Last year he biked over 6000 miles so he is a real biker.)
Mike Grace (Mike is a friend of the Queen's family from Canada and he is referring to the fact that the Queen's family all love to fish.)
THIS IS HOW THE MEMBERS OF THE FISHER FAMILY CATCH FISH.
Reggie Beard (Reggie is another of our Thursday night biking friends.)
HEY SYLVIA! YEA? WE HAVE GOT TO STOP DRINKING THIS CHEAP BEER; IT'S KILLING US!
John (John is one of those 36,000 random readers of our journal on CGOAB)
HORS D'OEUVRES -- POSSUM ON A HALF-SHELL
Andy Armstrong (Andy is from Scotland. We have gotten numerous emails from overseas and it is amazing to us that so many people have followed our journey. In addition, Andy wrote: “I have really enjoyed your cross country journal, and each morning when I open my second hand book shop in Scotland and switch on the computer, I go immediately to see what progress you have made.” We loved receiving emails like this!!!!)
I TOLD YOU THAT IF WE LAY STILL LONG ENOUGH THAT IDIOT IN THE CYCLING SHORTS WOULD TAKE OUR PHOTOGRAPH.