The Kleinchik Invitational
During our six months in Rome we developed a contest for all our friends and relatives who viewed our website. We would take pictures and post them on our website and ask people to respond with funny captions for the pictures and in some cases just names for an object or activity that were pictured. The responses were very funny and the following are the results of the first seven contests. We had a number of contests that we did not have time to run and those are listed under the Unpublished Kleinchik menu option above.

CONTEST NUMBER 1 RESULTS

For those of you who were up at midnight waiting for the results to be posted - get a life!!! That would be 6AM Rome time and we were just getting in from an all night party.

We were overwhelmed by the responses to the contest. For those of you who put in the thought and effort - well in some cases the effort - we want to thank you. For those of you who we expected big things from - you know who you are - you will have another chance with the next contest.

A special thanks to the Gustafson family. One hundred percent of their family responded. However, 50 percent of the family did not read the contest rules and could only be given honorable mention.

We had a very hard time picking out one winner this week - maybe we will get better with each contest. This week there are five people tied for first place. For this week:

-     Each of the winning entries below will be getting five points towards the ultimate prize at the end of the last contest.
-      Other entries will get between 1 and 4 points.
-      At the end of the contest the person who has accumulated the most points will win the grand prize.

Contest #1: Name the New Fashion Style

There was a time when a woman would not be caught dead with a part of her bra showing. Obviously this has changed. The women of Italy have taken it to a new extreme. We have seen lots of parts of bras showing. Some women have bras that are plastic and are made to appear like skin color. Ruth has apparently not bothered to try to hide anything about her bra.  COME UP WITH A NEW NAME FOR RUTH'S FASHION STYLE!! WINNER WILL BE ANNOUNCED JULY 6TH!!!!


In no particular order the winning entries are:

Candy Gustafson (Hynda's sister):  STRAPTEASE
Betsy Pollack (Friend in Boston and bridesmaid at our wedding): BRADA
Note: For you fashion challenged people - Prada is an Italian fashion house established in Milan, Italy in 1913 and very hot at the moment. We especially liked the Italian connection!!!
Richard Stukey (Running Friend): Bra-view-issimo
Note: Bra-view-issimo is a take-off on the word "bravissimo", defined by Webster's as "to express great approval" and "the superlative of 'bravo', used to express approval for a performance." Again we liked the Italian connection.
Beverly Goldstein (My cousin-in-law?): WHY BRA-THER
            Note: We must admit we laughed the hardest at this one.
Christopher Bourdeau (Till's Nephew-in-law??): BRA-zen, as in shameless and boldfaced
Judy Waldman (Friend who will be visting July 13th): BRACHIK
Note: We especially liked the suck-up since she could have spelled chik as chick but choose the `Kleinchik' spelling.
Note: Judy and Marvin sent this in as a family entry. This is not allowed. We gave the entry to Judy because we like her better and in all liklihood she is the one who came up this entry anyhow.

Runners-up:

Vince Streif (A friend from Maryland) - Silkworm Friendly, Expose
Candy Gustafson (Hynda's sister, Carl's Wife) - BraFeast, BraFest
Adam Gustafson (Carl and Candy's son and Hynda's Nephew) - Do Me Baby
Kim Dorfman (Hynda's cousin) -Tits Too Big To EVER Venture Free
Rozanne Kosson (Running Friend) - undie-all
Note: Rozanne offers the following explanation: an undie-all is an undergarment, or combination of undergarments, worn as regular (outer layer) clothing. On Ruth, it's cute, but most people don't have the body for it.
Peter Hui (Running Friend) - bra bra bwak chic (have you any wool?)
Note: Peter is 100 percent Chinese but I think I have to report this entry to the Chinese Defamation League or the NAACP.
Sandy Weiss (Wife of Runner) - SPAGHETTI GONE WILD
Note: Sandy sent in a link to Womens Wear Daily where the definition of a spaghetti strap was given. For those interested the link is http://fashion.about.com/cs/glossary/g/bldefspaghetti.htm
Jim Farkus (Running Friend) - The Titulini
Note: Although Jim did not send in an explanation for his entry we assumed he meant a takeoff on tortellini (a type of pasta and therefore related to spaghetti - see Sandy Weiss above).

There are some honorable mention entries:

Carl Gustafson (Hynda's brother-in-law) who completely misunderstood the contest but sent in a very funny entry:

After a hard day of siteseeing, Ruth sits down, relaxes, and talks to a wall.

Amanda Gustafson (Carl's daughter and Hynda's niece) - Just like her father she did not read the rules and wrote a long 'carton like' entry for the picture. Since this is a PG-13 rated website we cannot publish her entry.

Leah Steinberg (A friend from Maryland who just visited us):

You are funny and outrageous.

Note: As I said before we love suck-up entries and you can tell that Leah is a new friend and is not yet bored by our childlike behavior.

Negative Points:

Ruth Kleinman (Hynda's Daughter and star of the contest): Ruth was the only one that repeatedly promised us an entry but did not deliver.

CONTEST #2: THE GLADIATOR SCAM

Whenever we have been to either the Forum or the Coliseum we have always seen men dressed in Gladiator outfits trying to get tourists to pose with them. After the tourist poses, the Gladiators then ask for money. They can get pretty persistent and the guide books say they have been known to ask for and get up to 100 Euros - especially from Asian families.


This week's contest is:

Come up with a new name (word or expression) to describe the activity of the Gladiators. If you feel some explanation is necessary please include it:

For example: GLADI-ASIA: someone who dresses like a gladiator and hangs out at the Forum to scam Asian tourists.

OR Come up with a caption for the photo.

For example: Claudius tries to convince his brother and sister that he can make a living at his new job scamming tourists at the Forum.

CONTEST #2 NOTES:

A few items before we actually get into this weeks contest.

1. We really want to again thank those that have contributed entries. We really look forward to receiving them.  

2. I want to apologize for the delay in posting the results and getting the new contest started. We have had guests and they have occupied our time. The new Contest #3 will be the last until September. We will be traveling and returning to the US in August and we will not have the computer with the website on it.

3.  I again want to commend the Gustafson family. For the second consecutive week all members of the family have participated.

4.  I feel obligated to report on a conversation between King and Queen Kleinchik. It went as follows:

Queen: Dearest King, do you think that my family understands that I have nothing to do with your stupid contest?

King: Dearest Queen, do you really think so little of your family that they would think an accomplished, brilliant, sophisticated lady such as yourself would have anything to do with something as silly as this contest? Do you think I need to tell them?

Late Entries

We had two late entries for Contest #1. The Kleinchik committee met to determine if late entries should be allowed. We decided that if the late entry was submitted with a legitimate excuse - one that we feel is legitimate - then they will still be awarded an honorable mention.

The late entries and Honorable Mentions for Contest #1 were:

Wolfgang Jakobsberg (Nolan's business partner): Le Eleganza
Note: Wolfy's excuse was that he did send the entry in but we missed it. In rereading his emails we did note that in one long email he had the entry buried in the middle.. we totally missed it.. our fault.

Ali Martin (Hynda's neice): Ruthless Chik
Note: Ali is living in a small village in France for the month of July and she claims that there is only one computer with internet access in the village and she had to wait for hours on several days to use the computer. When she finally got to the computer she found that the French had passed a law that stipulated that Jews could not use the Christian alphabet keys. Ali is only half Jewish so she was able to still compose the entry while only using half the keyboard.

Contest Directions

Several people sent in emails asking me if they had to submit both a new word and a caption for the photo. The answer was you could submit one or the other. We obviously did not do an adequate job in defining the contest rules. We will try harder next time.

If you do submit a new word for a contest  - make sure that you also give the definition. In those cases where no definition was given we either made up a definition for your word based upon what we thought you meant, we left out the definition if it was obvious or we left out the definition because we did not have the foggiest idea what you meant.

Picking a Winner

Picking a winner is very difficult. We have received advice from Mike Grace, a PHD professor who is a very old friend of Hynda's who says: Remember the marking techniques used by teachers- either let them fall down the steps and the papers that fall further get higher marks or select the winner by random choice - use the blindfold. We have used his advice.. steps this week .. blindfolds next… Fortunately, all of Mike's students are in the arts and not in the sciences.

Contest #2 Results: Name the Gladiator Scam or Caption the Picture

New Words

Winning Entry:

Gwen Walcoff ( Friend): GLADIOLA - A new form of margarine used to keep those pesky breast plates from rusting.

Special Award for the funniest entry that most people will not understand unless they are a scientist or weigh over 300 pounds:

Kathy Bolland (works in Hynda's Institute): Gladiadipose
Note: Adipose tissue is specialized connective tissue that functions as the major storage site for fat in the form of triglycerides. Kathy sent this in but the King had no idea what it meant. He needed the Queen to explain the entry to him.

Honorable Mentions (in no particular order):

Gwen Walcoff ( Friend): GLADIOLA - a Spanish gladiator who fights bulls instead of lions.
Peter Hui (Running Friend): Gladi-U-TOURist (Asian or otherwise)
Note: This is the cheer that the scamming gladiators say each day before venturing out to the forum.
Sandy Weiss (Wife of Running Friend): Spartacus Sword Scam: someone who dresses like a gladiator, and hangs out at the Forum to scam tourists
Amanda Gustafson (hynda's neice and one of those Gustafson's): Gladius-Scamus
Adam Gustafson (Hynda's nephew and one of the Gustafson's): Rotundus Maximus
Beverly Goldstein (Nolan's cousin): Gladiahorny  - What the woman is thinking as she looks at the costumed man!
Note: Must be a very hard up lady!! Whoops.. that was certainly not politically correct.
Marvin Waldman (Friend): Glad-i-ate-her
Note: I do not think this needs any further explanation.  As I said in the first contest, Judy is the brains in this family and also the one with class.
Wolfy Jakobsberg (Business Partner): Gladscam
Wolfy Jakobsberg (Business Partner): Gladiatores-Caramba
Note: The translation of caramba is WOW!. At least that is what it is in Spanish.
Wolfy Jakobsberg (Business Partner): Gladiatores Malvivente
Note: This entry was actually very good. Malvivente means criminal in Italian.
Wolfy Jakobsberg (Business Partner): Gladschmutz
Note: Wolfy is trying for the volume prize.

Captions:

Winning Entry:

Rosanne Kosson (Running friend): OK, 100 Euros, but I get to prance around in the suit and put the sword up your ass.
Note: This entry was borderline for our PG rated website… but Rosanne obviously understands that scatological humor will win out every time with the Kleinchik committee. (Scatological: Obscene language or literature, especially that dealing pruriently or humorously with excrement and excretory functions.)

Special Award for the biggest suckup entry:

Sandy Weiss (Wife of Running Friend): Ester Goldberg in drag solicits a photo-op with unsuspecting tourists.
              Note: Sandy explains: Who is Esther Goldberg? Go to her website and find out at www.estergoldberg.com. See another photo-op of Ester below with the Kleinchiks circa 2003. Kleinchik Notes: The ultimate suckup when Sandy actually enclosed the attached picture from the Kleinchik first anniversary party. She is also sucking up to Ester who is a reader of this website and I am sure will appreciate the publicity.


Honorable Mentions (in no particular order):

Rozanne Kosson (Running Friend): Yes, I'm American, but I'm voting for Kerry.
         Note: Rozanne actually sent this in as part of another email to me but I thought it could go here.
Gwyn Walcoff (A friend):  Claudius tries to convince dubious tourists that he's not a cross-dressing Claudia
Laura Nelson-Levy (Gwyn Walcof's neice): Hey, Murray, ya wanna go to gladiator camp?!
Note: This entry comes from the furthest away - Israel. Can we still consider distance as a criterion when we are in cyberspace?
Ruth Kleinman (Hynda's daughter): The unlikely threesome discuss carb-counting while the redhead agonizes                 over those pesky man-breasts and can't seem to get rid of.
Note: Ruth explains - my captions root from my belief that this man is a cross-dresser and doing the "gladiator scam" is his only means of income where he can dress up in costume and still feel like a woman.
Ruth Kleinman (Hynda's daughter): After returning from the Kleinchik wedding, this cross-dressing gladiator decides to make a buck by convincing tourists he needs money to upgrade his pathetic costume
Note: See her website at www.ruthavra.com - Ruth is taking orders for your Xmas/Chanukah gifts this week.
Walter Martin (Hynda's brother-in-law): Jackie Mason was in Rome recently "getting in character" for his upcoming role in Mel Brook's new film: "Flabby - Ator".
Note: This got a big laugh from the committee.
Carl Gustafson (Hynda's brother-in-law): "Gladiator asks tourists if they like his new breast implants"
Candy Gustafson (Hynda's sister and another of the Gustafson family):
     Amo Sword teats
     Amas Sword teats
     Ama  Sword teats"
     Definition: Mantra of sadomasochistic lactating gladiator (who resides behind the Appian Way)
Kim Dorfman (Hynda's cousin): "You not like photo with manly bosoms of Marco for to send American friends?   No!!!!!!???? 100 euros too cara? Maybe you like invite Marco to hotel room for three way ac-tio-ne. Man bosoms very nice. Mens and womens both like. Only 20 euros for especial fun, cabrones, but...no...no... bed photos con turistas and  Marco bosom be extra moneys."
Jim Farkus (Running friend): Maximuscle
Note: Jim explains -a take-off on Russell Crowe's character in the movie Gladiator, which was Maximus
Andy Sithens (Neighbor): What do you meaneth, that our emetreemeth makeovers are defferent than the ones in the States?

CONTEST #3 RESULTS: NOLAN AND THE PERONI

AS ALWAYS - FIRST A FEW NOTES

As you all know - The Queen and I love suck-up entries and emails. We received two this time. These have not been edited.

Ruth Kleinman ( Hynda's daughter):

yes, well, Tyson and I sit by the computer and wait for the second the contest begins so we can be the first!!!

Mike Grace (Hynda's friend from Canada):

When are the contest results coming -I am so nervous I can't eat, sleep or dust.

These are our kind of people… nothing to do but sit around and wait for us to start or end a contest!!!

I also must apologize to Mike Grace. In the first contest 15 of his entries got lost in cyberspace (he claimed) and therefore, they were never posted.  For contest number 2 the same thing happened. I would probably not believe him but his wife, who is one of the most successful lawyers in Canada - and would never lie, told me that Mike was telling the truth. So here are his entries for the gladiator contest:

- I'm Dr Atkins and am here to help you with your dietary concerns.
- Those girdles made by the Etruscans still do the job.
- I'm so stacked that I don't even require a breastplate
- It's that fine cuisine in Gaul that did it to me.

Note: For the first time the entire Gustafson family did not participate in the contest. Only the young Adam who was actually away in Hawaii managed to find an internet point and send an entry. Way to go Adam!!! Boo to the rest of the family!!

A REVIEW OF THE CONTEST:

This week we need a caption for the picture below. Make sure that you include an explanation for your caption if you think it needs it..... OR ..... define a new word for the activity shown... and give a definition for it..


For example:
- Kleinchik shown wearing the latest in Italian  jewelry - THE PERONI NOSE RING.  
OR
                  - Unfortunately, Queen Kleinchik's hair growing compound never became a commercial success         because of the way it had to be applied.. by sniffing it through a beer bottle.

CONTEST #3: RESULTS

As usual I will remind everyone that the winners are those that make the KING laugh - so if you want to be a winner I would suggest that you try to think like a 9th grader. Again we had a hard time picking one winner so we have selected four and three are from Vince Streif. Vince actually submitted 9 for this contest - a record!!!! We would like to thank Vince's employer for allowing him to spend one entire work week trying to develop entries….

CONTEST WINNERS

Vince Strief (Adrian's Husband): Nolan was beginning to suspect the rules of the drinking game were lost in translation.
      Note: This is actually very funny because we have had instances where we have done the wrong thing based upon our  (mis)understanding of the Italian language.

Vince Strief (Adrian's Husband): And to this day, Nolan still insists “masterbeertion" is all the rage in Europe.

Vince Strief (Adrian's Husband): Nolan finally gave up on waiting for Hynda to return with the Kleenex.

Eric Krackow (Nolan's Friend from 5th grade!!!): Nolan exhales the inhaled second-hand smoke of a local into a handy receptacle in a heroic attempt to clean up the environment.
          Note: I guess we all have to do something to conteract the Bush administration's complete emasculation of the Clean Air Act leaving it up to companies to police themselves. Dam - I promised myself I would not get political on this website.

LONGEST ENTRY:

Chris Boudreau (Amy's husband): Aging comedian Gallagher, (poorly concealing his identify with a shaggy beard and sun glasses) relaxing at a chic cafe in Rome sniffing glue from a Peroni bottle shortly after passing a joint to a much more BRAZEN patron. Gallagher was arrested later that evening for his involvement in a confrontation with an intoxicated American tourist (identified later as Hynda K.Kleinman) who apparently solicited Gallagher for sex after mistaking him for her husband Nolan Danchik.
Note: I thought that this entry deserved special mention for its length and the fact that it used other parts of the photo and even tried to bring in parts of another contest.

ENTRY THAT MOST CAPTURES THE ESSENCE OF THE KING:

Vince Strief (Adrian's Husband): The beauty of the woman across the table was beyond compare but, alas, beyond his reach as well.  No longer able to restrain his urges, he needed a way to ensure nobody looked under the table while he did what he had to do. In his desperation, he did the first thing that came to mind.

HONORABLE MENTION (IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER):
Peter Hui (Running Friend): Nolan found a new way to snort coke
Peter Hui (Running Friend): Nolan demonstrates the correct way to drink Peroni
Peter Hui Running Friend):  Help! I smell a rat
Richard Stuckey (Running Friend): Does he or doesn't he? Only his nose knows for sure.
Kim Dorfman (Hynda's Cousin): What an excellent way to smuggle cocaine into Italy.
Kathy Guerriere (Neighbor): Sniff, sniff -- that's beer alright
Vincent Guerriere (Neighbor): See, I told you that if you drank too much of that Peroni, that it would start growing out of your nose
Adam Gustafson (Hynda's Nephew): What do you mean there was a cigarette butt in my beer?????" "I THINK I AM GOING TO PUKE!!!" Confucius Says "CIGARRETES AND ALCOHOL NO MIXY"
Rosanne Kossan (Running Friend): After 6 Peronis and the ensuing singing and dancing, Nolan loses a contact lens. Convinced that it fell into one of his beers, Nolan applies suction for retrieval.
Mike Grace (Hynda's friend from Canada): It used to be easier when I used a razor blade, spoon and a mirror.
Mike Grace (Hynda's friend from Canada): Not everyone can inhale the heady success of the Peronista movement
Mike Grace (Hynda's friend from Canada): Sidney taught me to do this.
Mike Grace (Hynda's friend from Canada): If you think I look good now just think about how much better i would look with two French fries sticking out of my nostrils.
Mike Grace (Hynda's friend from Canada): My nose needs a rest after taking in the heady aromas of the garbage in Rome
Richie Weiss (Running Friend): NOLAN NOSE BEST
Sandy Weiss (Running Friend's Wife): Nolan demonstrates Hynda's new treatment for Pironi's disease.
Note from Sandy: okay I couldn't resist spelling the disease with the name on the bottle. It should be Peyronie's. . . at least they are pronounced the same
Claire Lugassy (Scientist friend of Hynda's): Specific parietal UV phototherapy to allow the sensation of fresh beer from an empty bottle, patented by the Roman Institute of Banal and Parietocranial Research.
Note: This is again one of Hynda's scientist friends. They all insist on sending these esoteric responses that only other nerd scientists can understand and the KING refuses to look up words that he does not understand.
Kathy Bolland (Scientist friend of Hynda's): Stupid Americans and their translation books.... I asked for a brandy snifter!
Note: Kathy is a scientist friend of Hynda's who entered a previous contest and I had to get out a dictionary to understand her entry. She has obviously gotten the point as I can understand this entry.
Kathy Bolland (Scientist friend of Hynda's): I yam not con..e..breated .... I can (hic) clearly shee Hynda balancing that cherry on her nose.
Beverly Goldstein (Nolan's cousin): UP YOURS!!!!
Rene Reiner (Friend from VT): Our Dearest King, fearing that the Romans would not understand the legitimate benefits of a small bit of powder derived from the coca plant, chose a more legal, if more bizarre, form of inhalant.
Eric Krackow (Nolan's friend from 5th grade): Nolan cleverly uses his tenth bottle to prevent his chin from hitting the table.
Eric Krackow (Nolan's friend from 5th grade): Refusing to pay for his own brew, Nolan cleverly gets a buzz by inhaling the fumes from the near-empty bottle he discovers.
Note: Eric still remembers me from cheap days in New York.
Vince Strief (Adrian's Husband): Nolan is determined to perfect his Insta-Bong.
Note: Vince did not even know me in 1970 when I invented the beer bottle bongster that is still in use today.
Vince Strief (Adrian's Husband):Out of both beer and cash, Nolan desperately tries to keep the buzz going.
Vince Strief (Adrian's Husband): ( assumes it's a billboard/ad) Distinct flavor comes only from quality ingredients.
Vince Strief (Adrian's Husband): Realizing his neck brace is back at the apartment, Nolan gets creative.
Vince Strief (Adrian's Husband): I can't believe he lit ANOTHER cigarette! This is unbearable! I knew I should have waited for the 'no farting' section.
Tyson Bierman (Ruth's live in friend): Here we see the Danchik man has discovered the Italian secret to a quick high with no hangover: snort it
Tyson Bierman (Ruth's live in friend): Exhausted from being up all night assisting thy queen on uploading the new contest on the website, the king has fallen asleep on his beer
Walter Martin (Hynda's brother-in-law): Dr. Kleinman's Rodent-gain formula seems to have proven successful in the trail test on the back of the subject's cranium.  Shall we confirm our findings on its upper cranium?

CONTEST NUMBER 4 RESULTS: THE BEGGING DOG

THE USUAL NOTES:

And in the ASK KING KLEINCHIK department we received the following email from Marvin Waldman of Rockville, MD who asked after we extended the contest deadline:

Did you get that few entries?

Well the response to that is we prefer quality to quantity. We had some incredible entries to the contest from just a few people. I will blame the non-response from all the rest of you as the summer blues. Summer is now over so check out Contest #5!!!!

For the first time we had two people send in the same entry! I figured out that the chances of that happening are the same as two people meeting as a result of this contest, falling in love, marrying, having two kids named Sue and Jim, and moving to Italy and living in the same apartment that we are in.

Vince Streif has continued his torrid entry pace and submitted 7 entries. Kathy Boland submitted a total of 9 entries tying Vince for the highest number of entries for one contest. Vince held the record for his 9 entries to Contest #3 so his record lasted only one contest. He still holds the record for the most entries by a male for a contest.  Both Kathy and Vince were winners for this contest and I guess it means if you submit enough entries at least one may strike us as funny.

We did not have any suck-up emails for this contest but we did receive one negative one from our running friend Barbara Attardi:

Hi. Miss you too but am not waiting around for contests. Some of us still have to work for a living.

I wonder if Barbara's work is any more important than Vince and Kathy's.

A REVIEW OF THE CONTEST:

KLEINCHIK INVITATIONAL CONTEST #4: THE BEGGING DOG

Rome, just like every major city in the world, has beggars. Some of these in Rome look like they have just come out of eight hours in the make-up room. There is one woman who sits at the Trevi fountain with her dog. We she her all the time in the same spot and normally her dog is lying on its back in her lap and she is rubbing the dog's stomach. One night we saw the dog standing in front of her with a basket hanging from its mouth and you were obviously supposed to put money in the basket. We came back two hours later and the dog was still standing in the same place.  


This new contest is:

Come up with a new name for this breed of dog - for example - GERMAN BEGGARD

OR

-      A caption for the picture - for example - The Bush administration in an attempt to raise more money for the re-election campaign has enlisted sniffing dogs normally used for bomb detection at the airports. When asked about the Hatch act (the law that prohibits Federal employees to engage in any political acts at work) a spokesman said that they are technically not employees since they do not get paid.

CONTEST RESULTS CONTEST NUMBER 4: THE BEGGING DOG

Winning Entry for the Dog Breed Name

Kathy Bolland (Scientist Friend of Hynda): Basket Hound

Honorable Mentions for Dog Breed Name:

Sandy Weiss (Wife of running friend): A German Schlepper
Note: This was also the entry that Kathy Boland had sent in. If this was the winning entry Sandy would have won since she submitted her entry about 1 minute after I posted the new contest and hours before I sent the email.
Leah Steinberg(Friend): The Schwein-hunt Schnorrer
Note: Leah adds: which needs to be pronounced with a strong German accent to be appreciated.
Cookie Martin (Hynda's sister): Port a Potty Pup
Vince Steif (The legend): German Eggherd
Vince Streif (The legend): German Easterbunnyherd
Note: Vince adds - Not as accurate as entry above, but considerably more amusing...
Kathy Bolland (Scientist Friend of Hynda): Barf Begger
Kathy Bolland (Scientist Friend of Hynda): Barko-Scrounger
Note: We really liked this one also.
Kathy Bolland (Scientist Friend of Hynda): Coin-Dog
Kathy Bolland (Scientist Friend of Hynda): Gold-Dome Retriever
Note: Kathy adds - gold dome above Trevi Fountain. This was very clever but there is actually no gold dome above the Trevi Fountain so we have to subtract 10 points.
Kathy Bolland (Scientist Friend of Hynda): German Schlepper
Note: This is a duplicate entry - see Sandy Weiss above.

Winning Entry for the Caption for the Picture:

Vince Streif (The legend): Little Billy soon realized the Halloween costume of which he was so proud was tragically going to result in no candy.

Honorable Mentions for Caption for Picture:

Kathy Bolland (Scientist Friend of Hynda): Hound of the Basket Fills
Note: This entry was a close second and created a number of good laughs.
Cookie Martin (Hynda's sister): Pizzelles For the Poochie"
Cookie Martin: (Hynda's sister): Please Sir...Can I have some more?"
Note: Cookie adds - An Oliver Twist Wannabe
Vince Streif (The legend): When beggars become werewolves: tonight on Nova.
Note: This entry was a close second and created a number of good laughs.
Vince Streif (The legend): "What big ears I have, huh? Tell me I've got a big nose, will you? Well, who's laughing now, prissy Little Red walking meal?!"
Vince Streif (The legend): Due to budget cuts, Italian dogs are now required to scoop their own poop.
Note: This entry was a close second and created a number of good laughs.
Vince Streif (The legend): Sidney valiantly raises the funds for Nolan's TURP.
Note: This was a cruel attempt to bring our dog, who we miss very much, into the answer so that we would award extra points. It did not work.
Kathy Bolland (Scientist friend of Hynda): Rome used to be so nice. That Kleinchik guy pees one more time, I'm catching it and throwing it back in his face.
Note: I liked the fact that Kathy used another part of the website and it shows that someone actually read about my prostate problem.
Kathy Bolland (Scientist friend of Hynda): This stinks. Tomorrow she can hold the basket and I'll rub her belly.
Note: This entry was a close second and created a number of good laughs.
Marci Fineman: Hynda...Please put a bottle of Lemoncello in my basket.
Brooke Scheremata: After giving up on swimming across the Atlantic Ocean, Sydney finally finds a way to fly to Rome!" Dogs are always doing outrageous acts to find their owners...
Note: Brooke also tried to use Sydney to score extra points.

SPECIAL AWARDS FOR POLITICAL ENTRIES

When I was thinking about the example caption I purposely made it a political one. I thought this would create some great political entries. We only received two. They are to receive a special award.

Carl Gustafson (Hynda's brother-in-law): Bush finds his poll numbers plummeting and his campaign dollars gone so he is forced to send his wife Laura back out on the streets where he found her to campaign and plead for money.

Gwynn Walcoff (A friend who just left us):  Gearing up for the '04 presidential elections, Florida's Governor Bush spares no expense in installing a new voting procedure-- just throw your vote to the dogs (it's better than voting Republican)!

CONTEST NUMBER 5 RESULTS: THE BARBER SHOP/BEAUTY PARLOR

THE USUAL NOTES:

If you recall from the last contest we got the following note from our running friend Barbara:

Hi. Miss you too but am not waiting around for contests. Some of us still have to work for a living.

To which I replied:

I wonder if Barbara's work is any more important than Vince and Kathy's.

In a follow-up to that and the `catty' email of the week, Kathy Bolland, our most prolific participant to date wrote:

These contests are great fun when you have a 1 - 1.5 hour drive to work. I know there are people who can't walk and chew gum at the same time - now some who can't run and think at the same time?

Kathy can obvioulsy think and drive - she sent in 10 entries for this contest and most got a chuckle from the judges.

And ----- from our good friend Mike Desanto in Vermont we got the following email:

Don't do the contest thing: ( sure it's fun and funny tho' - just call me mr poophead)

OK - Mike you are a big MR. POOPHEAD!!!!

A REVIEW OF THE CONTEST:

CONTEST #5: THE BARBER SHOP/BEAUTY PARLOR

When the King and Queen were biking in Umbria we happened upon this beauty salon/barber in a small village called Trevi. The translation of the name of the shop is John's Coiffures.


This appeared to be a brand new sign and we can imagine that the owner paid someone to develop this sign and the theme for his/her beauty parlor/barber shop. Realizing that the owner cannot spend any money for a new sign we need the brilliance of the Kleinchik Invitational contestants to help out.

This weeks contest is:

Come up with a new name for the shop based upon the sign:

For example: Hair Today - Gone Tomorrow.

OR

Come up with a caption/advertising slogan to match the sign.

For example: When attaching your new hairpiece John only uses the strongest glue.

AND THE WINNERS ARE:

Winning Entry for the Name of Salon/Caption:

Kathy Bolland (Scientist Friend of Hynda): Yikes! Going bald? For pizza mind, let us choose your toppings.
NOTE: We loved the Italian twist to this entry.

Honorable Mentions for Salon Name/Caption:

Sandy Weiss (First Again): In a last ditch effort to appeal to voters and win the final debate, George
Bush is shown sporting a John Kerry like hairpiece.
            NOTE: Again Sandy has entered the contest before it was even posted.
Tyson Birmann (Ruth's Live in Thing): The ZeroG Salon - let our gravity free environment bring your hair style into   the future
Kathy Bolland ( Hynda's Lab Friend): Hair Brains
Kathy Bolland ( Hynda's Lab Friend): Less-Tress-Stress
Kathy Bolland ( Hynda's Lab Friend): Frugal Fraggled Frizzies Fixes
Kathy Bolland ( Hynda's Lab Friend): Friends call you "The Donald"? Come in for a new look. No need toupee in  advance.
Kathy Bolland ( Hynda's Lab Friend): Attention, tourists: Too Bush-y? For a smart new look, try the hairy-Kerry....  it's to die for!
Kathy Bolland ( Hynda's Lab Friend): "Oh, nooooo, Mr. Bill, you need a haircut ..... oh, nooooo!!!"
Kathy Bolland ( Hynda's Lab Friend): Add a harmonious hairpiece to your Chopin Liszt.
Kathy Bolland ( Hynda's Lab Friend): Post-part-dum depression? Balding? Let us pick your locks.
Kathy Bolland ( Hynda's Lab Friend): Itchy scalp? We can help! ..... when your epidermis ain't the firmest.
            NOTE: Kathy claims this is `my semi-nerd entry'
Peter Hui (Running Friend): For you guys, we are giving away free French ticklers as shown in the bill board.
            NOTE: I love Peter. His mind is in the gutter - like mine!!
Mike Grace (Friend from Canada): Bald is beautiful - the good Lord made very few perfect skulls - the rest were covered in hair.
NOTE: Mike is bald.
Mike Grace (Friend from Canada): Samples needed for NDA testing?
NOTE: Mike is also dyslexic. We think he meant DNA.
Mike Grace (Friend from Canada): Shave and a haircut-2 Euros
Candy Gustafson (Hynda's Sister): Painless hair straightening, lengthening, hand curls......Tooth extractions, dental whitening, orthodontics ...Chin shaves, pit shaves ...Deodorant applications.......Fumigations.....We doo it all!
Rosanne (Running Friend):  The colorful coiffeur. Gianni does both sexes, fast.

Honorable Mention for Best Joke Sent to Me This Week By Carl Gustafson

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).

The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a
sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often."

KLEINCHIK INVITATIONAL CONTEST #6: THE NAKED STATUES

As usual - first a few notes: I have decided that this is a good place to include comments about some emails we have received - some about the contest and some not.  

From Rosanne Kosson: A running friend - she writes:

Yeah, these are interesting photos. What do they look like from the front? Could you put those on the webpage, too?
Rosanne will be our last official guest and will be visiting us at the end of November. We have a special place to take Rosanne. There is a large room in the Vatican where the Pope has stored all the penis' that have been removed from the statues in Rome.

From cousin Roger Danchik: He lives in Boston and is the President of the Stage Hands union for New England. He is actually working on a new movie and I volunteered to help him when I return from Rome. He wrote:

You will, of course, have to put yourself up at the Wachusetts Mountain Inn. But then we will feed you three times a day.  You may be able to bunk in the beautiful PA's room with large breasts, if your breasts pass the weight exam. I will try to frequent there.

Your job will be to get up at no o'clock, then get the rest of us up, and then do all the stupid support things that need to happen so someone like me can sit around and look creative without moving.

How does that sound.

I think you may see why Roger is one of my favorite cousins.

From Hynda's niece Ali Martin: She wrote this after their 10th entry.

Sorry I just thought of this one... I hope you don't mind the many emails from mom and I but we really got into this contest and every time we send an email we think of a new caption or something...

The answer to this is obvious.. we love the emails that people send to us. Keep those cards and letters coming folks… Also we like the fact that through our contest a mother and daughter are bonding and creating some very gross entries.

From Sandy Weiss: You may remember that Sandy has been the first entrant for the past three contests - even before I emailed that we had a new contest.

Richie and I are back from our visit to Argentina. It was fabulous! For your next international vacation, try this hemisphere. None of the craziness of Italy and better food in Argentina (really!). Ah, and the Tango!

Of course after being away from your website for over a week I checked for the updates and found that my contest entry dealing with George Bush's hair never made it.. . a recount please.

Now I must contemplate the new contest.

She comes back from a vacation and what is the first thing she does - check the website!!!! The Kleinchiks love Sandy!!!!!

From Nolan's Cousin Gale: Gale visited our apartment when the Kleinchiks were stuck in Maryland with the King's surgery in August/September.

You asked me for pictures.. I figured out how to email them to you and yet we are still not in your website what is up?

I got fifteen pictures of them eating and one standing on an unidentified street. I have posted one of the pictures below. That is my cousin Gale on the left, my Aunt Ruthie on the right and their friend Eric. I know..  I do not know how to crop photos!!!


From Stephanie Bates: A running friend from Maryland who we normally see every Saturday morning after running at bagels.

King and Queen Kleinchik - thank you for all of your updates on how life in Italy is going. It's been great traveling through Italy and other parts of Europe vicariously through your travel logs, but we still miss you here!

We must admit that after running and going to bagels on Saturday morning with the same group for over ten years - we do miss them also.

CONTEST #6 WAS:

For those of you who read the RANDOM THINGS SEPTEMBER you saw that the King and Queen visited the Foro Italico and Stadio Olympico. This Fascist designed complex included a stadium with 120 naked statues of men playing various sports. Because of the design of the statues they all required a means of 'support' that was integrated into the statue. In some cases we could not determine what sport they represented. Below are pictures of two statutes from among the 120.



This new contest is:
Come up with a new name and describe a sport that either of these guys represent:
For example: Ram Tossing
              OR
Come up with a caption to match either of the pictures.
For example: Before the competition, he put on his new thong underwear but because he was so well endowed his penis had to be wrapped around his belt.  

And the Winners to Contest # 6 Are:

Some entries were for one specific picture and some could fit both so we have a winner for each one.

Picture #1: Man With Fish

Winner:
Ali Martin (Hynda's Neice): Antonio was disqualified from the diving competition today for an illegal push off the blocks.

Honorable Mention:

Cookie Martin (Hynda's sister): the ancient sport of "muff diving"
NOTE:  Her daughtrer Ali writes `Remember, Mom used to teach sex ed'. This may explain her other entries.
Ali Martin (Hynda's neice): new sport of "bestialiting”
Cookie Martin(Hynda's sister): open fly fishing
Cookie Martin(Hynda's sister): rectal reeling
Cookie Martin(Hynda's sister): tail gaiting
Cookie Martin(Hynda's sister): Now that's what I call a wet one slipping out.
Stephanie Bates (running friend): The ancient equivalent of flag-pole sitting - fish sitting!
Mandy Gustafson (Hynda's neice who last summer caught a 25 pound bass off Martha's Vineyard while fishing from her kayak) : Fin-"icky"
Dana Kleinman Pennebaker (Hynda's daughter): The Olympic Pooping Event. Contestants are judged on size and form.
Note: Dana sent along a note to her sister who is known for her big you know whats.. 'Ruth--you could try out for this one!' Nothing like a good sister fight.
Rosanne Kosson(running friend): The 1st guy is trying to put an eel up his anus tail first. Fishing without your rod? I'm sure they see a lot of that in the emergency rooms of Italian hospitals. Must be sanctioned by the Pope. It's the verse of a song, to the tune of "That's amore." When an eel is up your ass, and you thought that was past, that's a moray.
NOTE: This was sort of a free wheeling, writing-as-we-are-thinking entry. We debated about whether this was too irreverent for this website but only for a few moments.
Beverly Goldstein (Nolan's cousin):  "Ooy veigh, 1, 2, 3 push; whew, 1, 2, 3 push, ugh, push, push-----where am I? Up shit's creek without a paddle? Help!
Kathy Bolland (Hynda's science friend): Mr. Hiney-kins caught me with his beer hands.

Picture #2: Man with The Ram

Winner:

Ali Martin: I thought I asked to be goosed?
Note: This entry has a very Italian flair since some of our visitors have been groped and goosed.

Honorable Mention:

Cookie Martin(Hynda's sister): a different version of "strip poker"
Ali Martin(Hynda's neice): Oh my God! I crapped a ram!
Ali Martin(Hynda's neice): and you think YOU ARE horny!
Ali Martin(Hynda's neice): ram bam thank you ma'am
Ali Martin(Hynda's neice):  somebody's feeling a little rambumctious
Sandy Weiss(running friend): Wedgie competition
Kathy Bolland(Hynda's science friend): He came from a long line of pene pinchers.
Kathy Bolland(Hynda's science friend): The Rare Shaft of Knotting Ram
Kathy Bolland(Hynda's science friend): Though he forgot his wife's birthday, he was still able to compete.
Kathy Bolland(Hynda's science friend): The judges were not fooled by his obvious attempt to cheat in the teeny weeny pene contest.

Winners for Captions that Fit Both:

Vince Streif (A friend): Few now practice the long-lost art of Creative Turding, in spite of the fact that the once popular sport was immortalized in stone at Stadio Olympico.  Pictured here we see some of Diarrheasius's more impressive works, including "You'd be angry too" and "Ram's head with pedestal." "Baker's Dozen" (not pictured), perhaps his best-known work, required several massive figures to complete and is in fact the source of the modern phrase "to pinch a loaf."

Kathy Bolland(Hynda's science friend): Poor guys -- humiliated, but finally at the right place -- called for directions and got a garbled recording that sounded like "phallic fights start today", not "family night at the PTA".

AND THE EMAIL JOKE OF THE WEEK SUBMITTED BY CANDY GUSTAFSON:

 A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his
Sunday Sermon.  Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a
jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The
fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the following
results:

The first worm in alcohol - dead. Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil -  Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from this
demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as
you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."

KLEINCHIK INVITATIONAL CONTEST #7 RESULTS:

As usual - first a few notes: First I would like to thank all those people who remembered the King's birthday - you know who you are. It made me feel like a `king' to receive all your emails. Thanks.

And from the email grab bag:

From Mike Grace our bald friend in Canada:

Ali only won because she is closer to the concept of 9th grad humor than I am-unfair. This was obviously a decision that was made employing age and gender discrimination!  I protest-on both counts! Also suspect that Ali had an advantage because of the web controllers' morbid fascination with hair. Again - discrimination towards us of the smooth surface camp.

I assume Mike meant that Ali is only 17 years old. Unfortunately most of the people entering the contest are closer to 9th grade than Mike. Secondly, it is true that cute 17 year old young women will always win out over older bald guys. And last, her hair had noting to do with the decision. If Ali was bald and Mike had hair I would still choose Ali. Sorry Mike, try harder.

Pat Maloney (Running Friend):

Today, alas, is the first day of the 2008 campaign.

Pat wrote this on Wednesday morning after the election returns were in. No comment needed.

Mike Grace Again:

Have an emergency call to head to SF tomorrow! Short notice and in panic mode-hope to get my entries in on Friday!

We just love people who take this contest seriously.

Kathy Bolland (Hynda's Scientist Friend):

You guys have to stay in Italy or all our minds will go dull.....

We just love people who take this contest seriously.

AND THE KLEINCHIK CONTEST #7 WAS:

This contest is the result of some rather ingenious things that we have discovered in our apartment. These are not things that either of us has seen in houses or apartments in the US. We think they have been developed by the Italians for their small apartments because of their space saving features. The first picture is of our bed in the `open' position. The bed is actually on a hydraulic system so that you can open it up and use the inside of the bed for storage. The second picture is of the dish drainer in our kitchen. Since there is not a lot of counter space they have mounted the dish drainer on top of the sink and you place the washed dishes in the drainer and the excess water just falls into the sink.



This weeks contest is:

Come up with a new name for either of these devices:

For example: High-Drainger

OR

Come up with a caption/advertising slogan for one of the devices.

For example: Is junior wetting his bed? Try our new anti-bed wetting system. Our beds are especially configured to detect moisture. When Jimmy wets his bed for the first time - whoosh - he will be propelled into the wall!!! We guarantee that his bed wetting will stop!!!

AND THE WINNERS OF THE CONTEST (#7) ARE:


Winner Picture #1: The Bed

Ruth Kleinman (Hynda's daughter): My trip to Rome was great. We went to lots of places the first day and had a great time. Then Nolan showed me where I was to sleep. With a smile on his face he said "hop in"! Then made a dirty sex joke about what he was going to do to my mother inches away from my face after I fell asleep.

Note: I actually did not say this but Ruth must have been reading my mind. It took awhile but Ruth finally has gotten to understand the contest and the thought process of the King.

Honorable Mention:

Marci Fineman (A Friend):  The Mother-in-Law is coming Clean Up Machine.
Note: Marci writes - Not very clever, but it sure would have been clever if I had had one. Not sure if she means a bed or mother-in-law.
Rossanne Kosson (Running Friend):  Pandora's box
Note: For those of you who do not know I offer the following from Greek mythology and Yahoo. `Pandora was one of literature's first conniving beauties. Pandora is considered the world's first woman. Pandora was built to deceive. Besides showering her with irresistible charm and beauty, the gods had given Pandora a box and instructed her not to open it. Eventually, her curiosity got the better of her, and she opened the container, unleashing all manner of evil and misery on the world.' Not sure what this has to do with the contest but it does suggest where all the evil and misery in the world came from.
Vince Streif (Friend): I, too, used to spend many nights alone after chasing my wife out of the room--but not anymore!  Since I bought the Fartsink 300, my wife doesn't notice my fragrant flatulence -- even when there's a little "extra" coming out, if you know what I mean. And just look how easy it is to replace the resin-filled AbsorboPads!"
Ruth Kleinman (Hynda's daughter): With this new amazing space-saver you can stow away your guests as easily as you put away the linens!
Mike Grace (Canada's Finest): Nolans stuffed toy box
Mike Grace (Canada's Finest): Handy dandy container for mafia deposits
Beverly Goldstein (Nolan's Cousin): Contraband, anyone?
Kathy Bolland (Hynda's Scientist Friend): The Snorer Storer
Kathy Bolland (Hynda's Scientist Friend): Booty Rest
Kathy Bolland (Hynda's Scientist Friend): The King sighs watta-bed
Note: I like this entry since it shows that Kathy reads the rest of the website with her mention of the Bridge of Sighs… but maybe she fooled me since the Bridge of Sighs is on the first menu page and she had to see that.
Kathy Bolland (Hynda's Scientist Friend): The Crypt Bed .... for those who like to sleep on their tomb-ies.....
Kathy Bolland (Hynda's Scientist Friend): and the toaster, microwave, and blender are in the refrigerator.
Kathy Bolland (Hynda's Scientist Friend): You don't want to see how the garbage is stored.


Winner Picture #2: Dish Drain

Ruth Kleinman (Hynda's daughter): The Kleinchik fountain is the most pathetic of all the roman fountains, only dripping water a few times daily.

Honorable Mention:

Mike Grace (Hynda's friend from Canada): Doug's drainage center for smoked fish and weed
NOTE:  Doug is Hynda's brother.
Rossanne Kosson (Running Friend):  Dish wreck
Note: Rossanne wrote - because the support wires tend to come out of the ceiling and fall down. This is also a homonym of dish rack pronounced with a Yiddish accent.
Rossanne Kosson (Running Friend):   pot holder (an inconspicuous place to put the stash)
Ruth Kleinman (Hynda's daughter):  Ever get to the point where you just can't stand doing dishes any longer you just want to knock yourself out? Then this is the perfect kitchen for you! Just lean forward when you can't take it anymore and boom! You'll be knocked out for a good few hours and, if you're lucky, forget the horrible experience of doing dishes all together!
Kathy Bolland (Hynda's Scientist Friend): The Rain Drain
Kathy Bolland (Hynda's Scientist Friend): The Dish-apator
Kathy Bolland (Hynda's Scientist Friend): Dripping wet every night, they were the 'raining' King & Queen until they realized the system was installed backwards.
Note: This would have been the winning entry if Kathy had used the word upside down instead of backwards. The King is being very literal for this contest. Also I am running out of prizes and I had to make the award so that one person won both entries this week. Also I was feeling sorry for Ruth since she had entered many times and never won... but do not tell her this.

AND THE EMAIL JOKE OF THE WEEK SUBMITTED BY MIKE GRACE:

 A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.  She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

 She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

 The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

 The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My Dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."